Bad Clothing Choices In the Event of a Zombie Apocalyspe

By Ellie Bryant ’12

No matter how fabulous your clothes, a muffin top can ruin the outfit. Image courtesy of wikipedia.org.

So the other day I was walking around in some free shorts and a T-shirt, and I realized I’d rather have someone show up in sweatpants than in unflattering clothes or bad makeup. It’s like that awkward “kid that gets picked last for kickball” syndrome, the same feeling when I see someone wearing clothes that belonged to them thirty pounds and six inches ago. There has to be a point where you admit to yourself you’ve gotten bigger. Consider.

Instead of studying comprehensive vertebrate morphology, I was thinking about clothes that are in style and would be advantageous in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

First, I would like to state that Sweet Briar would be the ultimate place to defend against a zombie attack. Okay, now consider…ballet flats and boots. Both are in style. Boots are gorgeous and protect from zombies snacking on your ankles. Ballet flats are obviously built for speed; they are the jaguar to the cheetah of tennis shoes. Next, scarves. Scarves are awesome; they are especially in style when they are neutral, black, white, striped or floral. Scarves can serve as an escape weapon or as a distraction to keep the zombie from getting to you. Scarves can also be used as a hairpiece and keep your hair out of your face so you can see potential attackers.

Ankle length and mid-calf skirts are also in. These would be the number one way to get your fashion on without showing the world your goodies while running, climbing out of windows or mortal combating zombies. Hems that are higher in the front than in the back are also in, so you can have your knees free to lay down some pain before decapitating your enemy. Who knew fashion was so wearable for apocalyptic situations? Not me!

1970s styles are in, meaning high-waisted, relaxed leg pants are on the rise (avoid floral patterns, as zombies give chase for extreme fashion code violations), and the high waist will keep you from crackin’ it up when climbing around in basements and other awkward places. Relaxed legs will distract from the actual size of the leg and the zombie could possibly bite fabric instead of you.

Even a zombie apocalypse won’t stop Mary Kate Patterson ’12 from rocking a bold hair piece. Photo by Eleanor Bryant ’12.

Makeup this season is also in the zombie way. The natural look is in, which is awesome because who wants to take the time to put on makeup when the undead are clawing at your door? If I had to give a definition to makeup trends this spring, it would be utilitarian meets zombie killer. Bold eyebrows help to better define your facial expressions as you hack through the hordes. Try bold lips, especially in a red like the blood of your victims, or keeping it natural with some lip gloss for the girl on the go. If and when the zombie apocalypse happens, just remember to make fashion work for you. Stilettos are always a no go.

Moving away from the weirdness of my mind, I want to talk about workout clothes (because everyone should be in good shape to avoid general deadness that goes with unfitness) that will help you out and motivate you to work towards rule #1 of Zombieland: cardio. Just because a sports bra is cute doesn’t mean you should buy it. I recently had a fight with myself in Dick’s (which is my favorite store ever) over a super awesome tie-dyed bra. I wanted it so badly, but it stated the impact level approved only of “stretching and yoga.” I admit my first thought was, “who in the @#$% wants a sports bra for stretching and yoga?” Then, after my moment of despair towards American society, I admitted to myself that, “No, Ellie, you can’t buy a bra for your C cup meant for stretching and yoga…you don’t even do yoga…” Oh, but for this sports bra I was willing to go into downward dog. However, instead of buying the awesome tie-dyed sports bra, I bought a plain black one. Why? Because it passed the bounce test (if you don’t know what I mean…jump up and down) and was what I needed.

The moral of the story, kids, is to buy the workout clothes you need, not the workout clothes you want. Some of my favorite brands are Moving Comfort, Champion, Nike and the Frog Bra. Another good workout idea is shorts with spandex under them. The shorts are awesome and cute, and the spandex prevent everyone from seeing your underwear when you do core or from having to fight the shorts riding up when you are running.

Check out the next issue ‘cause I will be going in-depth on workout clothes to have because I am a big, nasty, roided jock. Yeah, I said it. Holla back vixens, holla back.

Contact Ellie Bryant at bryant12@sbc.edu with any questions or comments.

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